double edged sword.

I can't believe I have 2 weeks left here. PRETTY crazy. It hasn't felt like four months. Well, not today at least. That feeling always changed day to day. Sometimes I feel like I've been here forever but sometimes I feel like I haven't seen half of Amsterdam. It's the whole double edged sword talk I had with Anthony.

He asked me what the biggest thing I'll miss when I leave Amsterdam.

Of course, I said the access to weed and hoes... ha minus the hoes. but besides that, i said, the fact that i'm away from everything familiar.

That small point has been my biggest struggle but most growing experience I've ever had. Its the only thing that has made me smile the most and cry the most.

By being away from everything familiar, I've been able to open my eyes to things i've never thought of, explore places and cultures i've never thought possible, and see myself as independent from my environment. I made friends with a lot of people that are a lot different from friends back home. They brought me out to the most random and absurd adventures that would prolly never cross my mind back home. explore various cultures and lifestyles- queer, squatter, dutch, whatever. i definitely got to understand the world and different types of people through these people and i love it. And the biggest thing i realized was how dependent i was on people back home on me and the way i see myself. cuz once i got here, i tried to play the same roles i do with my friends back home but it wasnt the same. the dynamics were completely different. that scared me for a long time thinking man.. maybe i dont fit in with these people.

but honestly, i realized that i saw myself in such a bubble that there are so many different sides and qualities to me that allow me to adapt to different groups. i cant have such high expectations of myself to play certain roles in these separate groups.

So besides the struggle of self identity, i will admit that i wasn't able to find those really close one or two friends that i could connect with immediately. many times, it's not too difficult for me to bond with someone but here, it was. i couldnt find those connections that i found when i've traveled before. that was definitely really hard to struggle with. i couldnt express myself, my personal thoughts, my personal struggles with anyone i thought was close enough to listen. and i definitely went through some heart hurting and painful struggles that i needed to let out. but i guess in the end, it allowed me to reevaluate the situations by myself. i was able to see myself at my most emo or when the pain was heaviest on my heart and get through it alone. it made me dependent on myself and no one else. i can say it definitely made me a stronger person and my self-identity a lot clearer.

this past week i kept telling myself that the closer it gets to going home, the more homesick i get.

its true but fuck that... im in amsterdam and there's too much to see with only two weeks left. i'll be back with familiarity soon so take advantage of the side of the sword that makes me smile and that means some crazy exploration of the crazy cultures enriched in amsterdam.

next up,

anarchist sauna
OT301: squatter party
De Peper: squatter vegan restaurant